Category: pain

art, best effort, brushes, digital art, inks, Maui, oils, pain, Painter, paintings, Rebelle, watercolor

Dreaming About Maui

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Dreaming About Maui

Dreaming About Maui

 

I just returned from a two-month trip to Maui.  It’s like I’m a new woman.  I have more energy than I’ve had in over 20 years.  I have Lyme disease.  It went undiagnosed for 18 years.  I think that the treatment for the Lyme is finally starting to work.

I usually feel like I’m carrying around a 50-pound rock and always feel exhausted.  I never do anything without first thinking about it to see if I have enough energy.  That feeling is gone.  I hope it continues to last.  The pain is also being controlled with medication.  I am so grateful.

This painting I did while in Maui.  There are so many incredibly beautiful flowers in Maui.  I just had to paint a few.

I started this painting in Rebelle with watercolors and inks and finished it in Painter with oil paints.

acrylics, art, best effort, brushes, digital art, God, inks, lyme disease, oils, pain, Painter, paintings, positive, positive energy, Rebelle, show up

Mystery

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Mystern

Mystery

My husband retired last July, and I got behind in blogging because I used to do my blogging and reading of blogs during lunch.  Now, I eat lunch with him. I’m trying to get caught up on reading other’s blogs and writing my own.

Overall, I’m glad that Warren is retired and is spending more time with me.  We have been together since 1970.  We moved in together that year.  When we were younger, and sometimes not employed, we always had a blast together.  I had pictured the same thing would be true now that we are no longer employed and have all day free to play.

The only thing I did not consider is that I am sick, and can’t go out and play anytime I want to.  Despite that, I am still enjoying having Warren in my life all day, every day.

This winter was very hard for me.  I had a flare of some kind, and was sick from New Years Eve until recently.  I am feeling on the upswing now.  But, it was a real scare.  I went back to spending days where I could do nothing but lay in bed, under the covers and be very sick.  I had a lot of pain breakthroughs that were very severe.  On those days, old tapes would start to play in my head.  I would start to think that I was going to spend all day, every day back in bed and be able to do nothing.

That is when positive thinking came back to save me.  I got myself calmed down and thought through the process logically.  I would admit that yes, I’m sick today.  But the recent pattern has been that I will be sick one day and then better the next.  Usually within two days, I’m up, dressed and going out to lunch with Warren.  I affirmed these things.  I prayed for help and guidance.  I practiced positive thinking.  I forced myself to think in a positive way.

As usual, it worked.  The pain eventually subsided and is under control again with morphine.  I have more energy and am feeling better just in time for summer.

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art, best effort, digital art, God, lyme disease, oils, pain, Painter, paintings, pencils

Oh No You Don’t

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Oh No You Don't

Oh No You Don’t

This painting is one I did a couple of months ago.  Somehow it didn’t get posted yet.

It is done with oil brushes and liquid inks and some pencils were added.  I did this piece in Painter 2015.

It was a very hard piece to bring to a conclusion.  I really liked parts of it, but there were areas, as it developed, that drove me nuts.  When I did this, I was focusing, as usual on lights and darks.  Values and good contrast are big parts of a good painting.

In Painter, it is possible to add a layer to the piece I’m working on, then I fill the layer with black and choose the composite method colorize.  When that layer is open, it turns the painting into grey scale.  It is then easy to see whether the painting has enough values going on.

I ended up turning this picture on its side several times before deciding that it would go this way.  That is something I learned in my first painting class from Flora Bowley.

It really comes in handy when working on an abstract.

I have had a very hard time this year with my health.  I have had a lot of break-through pain.  Something that hasn’t happened in over a year.  That, along with GOK (God Only Knows) has caused me to have to spend more time in bed and paint less this year.  I get very despondent on days when I feel sick.  It feels like I’ve stepped backwards and will never go forward again.

I think this is all part of the healing process from lyme disease.  A good friend and I have discussed this years’ setbacks.  I’ve concluded, with her help, that just maybe the bad days seem a lot worse because the good days are so much better.  I certainly hope so.

I try to continue to stay positive no matter what my health is doing.  I am just very grateful to be able to do art again.

 

art, art shows, awards, best effort, digital art, God, honesty, lyme disease, pain, Painter, paintings, pencils, positive, positive energy, show up

Staying Positive Works — Strong Spirit

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Strong Spirit

Strong Spirit

This painting was done in Painter, using oils, liquid inks and pencils.  I am using it because it is entitled Strong Spirit.  That is what I have.

I started this blog to write about fibromyalgia and lyme disease.  My intention was to write how my belief in a God of my understanding, coupled with affirmations, gratitude and positive thought had allowed me to find a peaceful, fulfilling life in spite of these chronic illnesses.

Then, practicing those things led me back to being able to do art, and art has pretty much been the focus of this blog.

Today, I want to write about positive thinking.

I came across the idea of having God in my life and thinking positive about 30 years ago.  I began reading a lot of varied books on many religions.  I put together an idea of what God is for me, personally.  I believe there is something that holds us all together.  I believe that we are all connected in some way.  I believe that when I, or someone else, does something negative or harmful, it affects us all.

I believe in taking personal responsibility for myself and what I can change.  As I read and researched, I concluded that the only thing in this world that is possible for me to change is me.  I can’t change you.  I can, however, change how I react to you.

This was working fine, and life was going along real sweet.  I was a textile/mixed media artist.  My work was starting to sell.  I was having shows in galleries.  I had been in a group show at a very prestigious museum here in Seattle.  I won awards for my art.  Life looked good.  Positive thinking and a belief in a God of my understanding was working.

Oops, I got sick.  I didn’t just get sick, I got completely disabled and unable to do anything but lay in bed and wonder when I was going to die.  Doctors said I was crazy.  No one, absolutely no one would help me.

Friends and family walked away.  As they left, they said “Screw, you.  You’re a little liar, you’re not sick, just crazy.”

OK.  I got mad.  I got angry, I got resentful, hateful, mean-spirited, the whole thing.  I threatened to divorce my husband of over 30 years.  I was one sick, miserable person.

Where had it all gone?  What was happening?  One day I woke up, and could stand myself no longer.  I vaguely recalled what I had practiced just before I became sick.  I was very dubious.  I figured, this stuff works when things go well, God is there when I’m happy.  But what happens when the pedal hits the metal?  It’s all gone.

Hmm.  Perhaps I had missed something.  “OK”, I said, find something to be positive about.  What?  I can’t remember what I found, but I found one small thing.  Like breathing or something.  I practiced being grateful.  I said affirmations.  I worked at it.  I was not convinced, but I went on with the teeny, tiny bit of faith I had left.

It worked.  Just as negative things build and grow larger and become overwhelming, so do positive things.  It built up.  I found more things to be positive about.

Don’t get me wrong, it was slow going.

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art, pain

CFS/ME & FM Awareness Day

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Let Your Light Shine

Let Your Light Shine

Yesterday, May 12, was the 22nd annual day to raise awareness of ME/CFS & FM.

The purpose of this day is to raise international awareness of these crippling diseases.  You can find out more about this day on Facebook.

Everyone that could was to light up their home, business, building (themselves?) in these colors.

There are specific colors that are used, purple for FM, blue for ME/CFS and green for multiple chemical sensitivities.

Of course, there was no news coverage here or in Canada that I or my Canadian friends saw, except for a radio station in Salmon Arm, British Columbia.

My good friend, Jerre Pacquette, has a weekly radio show every Monday called What So What.  It is broadcast on the radio station, Voice of the Shuswap.  It is repeated every Thursday.  It is an information show about health and eating well.

Yesterday, Jerre, had his show focus on this vitally important issue.  His guest was one of my other very good friends, his wife, Carole Jeffries.  Carole suffers from ME/CFS and FM.  She has been so very sick, but is now some improved.

It was very brave of Carole to go on the radio and share her story.  It is hard for all of us with these diseases to look back at the hell we went through before being diagnosed.  Then the nightmares of trying to find adequate medical help.  You all know what I’m talking about.  No one believes you’re sick.  Doctors are ignorant.  Friends and family don’t understand.  You don’t look sick, even though you feel like you’re dying.

So, although I didn’t blog about this yesterday, you, lucky readers, get another chance to listen to Carole’s story.  The show will be repeated on Thursday at 4:00 PM, Pacific time.

You can link to it here.

Give it a listen.  It also includes an excerpt from a mother testifying as to her two 20-something-year old sons’ trials with CFS.  It is a powerful show and not to be missed.

The art is a little collage that I put together.

art, God, pain, show up

No Dairy for Kerry

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22-A

22-A

I recently went to see a new internist.  With all my negative experiences over the years with doctors, I expected only the worst.  My plan was to just get anyone as a new internist, as the present one was in his 70’s and his wait times were hideous, like more than two hours.

I arrived on time for the appointment, and the doctor was running on time.  That was good after the last guy.

She took 40 minutes for my first appointment.  She got a complete history of all the various things that are wrong with me.  She advised that since I have fibromyalgia, my body was inflamed.  Yeah, OK, I know that.  Then she says, “therefore, you shouldn’t eat dairy, as it further inflames the body.”  OMG.  A doctor discussing health and nutrition.  That’s an oxymoron.  Doctors usually know nothing about nutrition.

She went on to say that I should change my diet to vegan or modified vegan, that is allowing some chicken and fish, depending on where they come from.

She further told me to watch a movie called Forks Over Knives.  I highly recommend this movie.  It gives the scientific reasons why one should consider a vegan diet.  Basically the science shows that diets high in animal protein cause cancer.

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art, God, love, pain

By the Skin of My Teeth

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Play-02a

Play-02a

I haven’t yet seen a subject in the Daily Prompt that inspired me.  But today’s did.

A quick aside, I’m not in pain today, Yeah!

When I was about 16, an incident occurred where I could have been murdered.

What was I doing at that age in such circumstances?

My friend, Jill, and I had gone out for our usual Friday or Saturday night fun, which, for us, always involved drinking.  Somehow we had connected with an older woman.  She had been having us to her apartment for drinks, and we were more than happy to visit her.

This particular night, her boyfriend came by.  At first, I didn’t pay him much attention.

It turns out he was drunk, and an extremely unreasonable person.

He became jealous of my friend and I being at this woman’s house.  Initially, I just thought, what an idiot.

Then he got out his gun.  OMG.

He held it to my head and threatened to kill me.  I don’t quite recall his reasoning for this, but he was determined.

All I can recall is the woman begging and pleading with him to not shoot me.

Obviously, he changed his mind.  But what I really recall, is that it took a really long time to change his mind.

What blows my mind about this incident is that it didn’t really affect either me or my friend.  I don’t recall either of us talking about what had happened.  Why we weren’t scared to death is beyond me now.

In fact, it was not until I was in my late 20’s that I even thought about this incident again.

This scares me a lot.  When I was younger, I thought I was so cool and together.  I had such intolerance for just about everybody and everything unless it fit into my box of coolness.

Just exactly how cool is a person who gets into a situation where a loaded gun is pointed at her head by a drunk, crazy man?

I continued down this particular road of beliefs into my 30’s.  Then I got hit by a bolt of lightning and woke up.

I came to understand how much broader life could be, and know that there was a God.  There had to be.  Who had looked out for me all those years while I ran around like a crazy person?

I’m so grateful that I was able to realize who I am and that love is what is important in life, not who or what a person is.

I find that putting love first, will always lead me in the right direction.  Of course, this is not easy, and I often back step.  But I believe my path of life, and it looks like many other experience this, is two steps backwards for every three steps forward.

Writing about this makes me really grateful to be alive.

So, Love to all of you this holiday season.

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